"The last thing I would like to do is to upset someone around me."
"I am there for everyone — my parents, friends, my colleagues. I always put them first."
"I feel like I give people much more than I receive in return and I often find myself feeling used in relationships."

It is relying on other to define our sense of worth and identity through their approval. We do it by earning points by serving needs' of others ahead of our own.

She works at night shifts and lives her boyfriend, who is very messy. When she gets home, she finds dirty dishes and garbage in the kitchen. She has been quiet about it and just cleans it up every time before she goes to bed. Despite her being exhausted and very hard worker at work, she is not sure if she is doing things right so she tends to seek confirmation from other people. By cleaning up after her boyfriend she hopes to get that "Thanks, babe, you are amazing" at the end of the day, so she can feel good about herself when she goes to sleep.

Michaella is seldom sure about decisions she makes as she doesn't trust herself, thinks of herself as incapable of making good choices, and scared to disappoint others with it. She tends to ask friends, siblings, parents about even small things "what do you think?", so she can always shift responsibility to another person in case the choice turns out bad.

Michaella came to therapy with me for feeling used in relationships, but what we discovered after some time working together was that she was codependent.

In Friendship she was the one who most of the times initiated connections. She always tried to be as good of a friends  as possible hoping to receive feedback she was eager to hear.

At work she was open to working overtime because that would make her boss give accolades to her. Even though she couldn't exchange the accolades to what she needed, she couldn't say no, as that was only channel for her to receive her positive approval.

With boyfriend: she became as convenient as possible never bringing up anything that could upset him. She felt that the things she is upset about were not so important, so she can be that special girlfriend for him, who almost forsees his needs and serve them before he even asks.

Michaella* and I worked together to help her in: 1) exploring her own needs; 2) prioritizing herself; 3) building and maintain healthy boundaries at work and in personal relationships; 4) stop relying on others in defining herself.

Contact me to schedule our initial session, so we can work on your transformation from codependent to self–reliant person or check my course that I created to help people struggling with saying NO. The way to a new level and life often starts with saying NO to what holds us within the old one.